Why the Golden Globes messed up with their insanely expensive swag bag

Awards season is in full swing, and the 2024 Golden Globes are around the corner.

While the organisation has recently undergone a massive shake-up, some things stay the same – namely the ludicrously expensive swag bags winners and presenters will receive.

Granted, it pays to be an A-lister – even more so when you’re nominated for awards.

However, when winners and presenters take home an epic gift bag worth $500,000 (€454,000), perhaps it’s time to suggest that maybe, just maybe the recipients already have plenty, and there could be a better use of the collective pool of money dedicated to keeping the famous even more privileged.

Yes, you read that correctly – half a million dollars.

According to the press release, this “may be the most valuable [gift bag] ever.”

Consider a partial list of the 2024 goodies:

• A bottle of Liber Pater, the world’s most expensive wine ($193,500)
• A pair of emerald earrings ($69,000)
• A five-day luxury yacht charter in Indonesia ($50,000)
• Exclusive trips to the Cayman Islands ($20,000), New Zealand ($15,000) and Punta Mita ($5,500)
• Zenith watch ($14,000)
• A membership to private aviation company XOJet along with $10,000 in flight credits.
• Private pizza classes with “one of America’s greatest pizzaiolos” ($7,000)
• An array of skincare products ($4,000)
• Tattoo Session with a Celebrity Tattoo Artist ($2,500)
• Le Grand Dupont Lighter ($1,595)
• A bespoke pair of sneakers ($1,500)
• Gold Ossetra caviar ($545)
• LED Facemask ($380)

The list goes on.

Now, to be fair, not all recipients receive all items, and the $500,000 price tag is somewhat misleading, as all 83 nominees are given bags containing a catalogue, where they can select which items they’d like.

For instance, the $50,000 five-day luxury-yacht charter in Indonesia is available to all 83 recipients; however, the world’s most expensive bottle can only go to one person.

How ever will they manage?

There’s also the fact that the Robb Report, the luxury lifestyle magazine, will donate an undisclosed sum to the Golden Globes Foundation, which contributes to a range of entertainment non-profits.

The day is saved.

Let’s be clear – this isn’t a storm-the-barricades rant and I’m only partly humming the Internationale. Good for celebs: we love them and we’re happy to celebrate their successes, especially during a great year for cinema. This is merely a suggestion that the rest of the world already thinks that Hollywood is comically out of touch, and that upending things could have been the right way to go for 2024.

As such, the Golden Globes have missed a trick by not getting rid of the stupid “tradition” of making its nominees look like capitalist pigdogs.

The scandal-ridden show has been accused of taking bribes, having no Black members in its voting body, amongst many other things, and considering it took great pains in revamping membership and giving itself a a very necessary makeover, why did they think they could still get away with this sort of needless opulence? Let alone advertise it?!?

A much better look would have been to claw back some respectability and goodwill by issuing the following statement:

“OK, we done messed up, but this is a new us. The Oscars can dish out all the swag bags they want – we’re using the money we would have spaffed up the wall on spoiling our nominees by donating it ALL to non-profits, charities, and struggling members of the entertainment industry who make the performers all look good on screen but are paid a pitance considering the amount they contribute to the finished product. Let’s just have a good time; continue to work towards detoxifying our brand; celebrate some worthy artistic achievements; shower the glorious Lily Gladstone with all praise she deserves; collectively agree that Past Lives, The Zone of Interest and Poor Things are hands down the best films of the year; marvel at the seemingly bottomless capacity Timothée Chalamet has to upstage everyone with yet another stunning outfit; and then go home after one too many drinks knowing that this all ultimately means nothing in the grand scheme of things when faced with governments’ too-little-too-late actions with regards to global warming, rising poverty numbers and mass shootings in the US, the very real possibility of a second Trump presidency, and the fact that Tom Waits hasn’t released a sodding album since 2011 and no one’s getting any younger here, Tom, do it, do it for the children!”

Still, Christmas has just been and gone, so let’s end on a positive note.

The nominees this year are promising and more diverse than previous years; the snubs are minimal; and we hope Lily Gladstone gets the most expensive bottle of plonk.

The Golden Globes will air on Sunday 7 January 2024.