Tom Hartmann is personal finance lead at Te Ara Ahunga Ora Retirement Commission.

OPINION: Couples can generate a whole lot of wealth, but when they break down, they can unfortunately destroy it if they’re not careful.

A new study reminds us of the high cost of separation in later life, with 64% of people saying they feel financially uncomfortable after separation, compared to 21% before.

The research conducted by TRA on behalf of Te Ara Ahunga Ora Retirement Commission surveyed 155 people over 50 who had separated in the past five years, as well as five specialists working in this area.

Interestingly, the study found that most people determined the value of relationship property without formal advice, and that women are more likely to feel the financial pain of separation.

There’s no doubt it’s hard to keep a clear head when you’re going through a breakup. But the findings reinforce why it’s important we take a careful approach to dividing finances, one that considers the potential long-term impacts alongside professional legal advice.

Here are some tips to help you get out the other side in better shape.

Stay organised – keep track of money and everything you both own.

This is the time to bring together well-organised records of all your assets, financial documents and agreements. Having these documents on-hand will help prevent misunderstandings and disputes, and keep the process as smooth as possible.

It can be helpful to calculate your net worth, listing all your assets and any debts or joint debts in your name – the Sorted net worth calculator can help with this.

Make sure to recognise which assets will grow in value and which won’t. If we divide everything up as though it’s worth the same now and in the future, it can wind you up in very different financial positions in the long run. For example, think about the difference between a car (depreciating asset) and your KiwiSaver (appreciating asset).

You might feel busy and overwhelmed at the thought of this extra admin, but doing this work will give you peace of mind throughout the process. Being ready now can save you stress (and money) later.

Shop around for a good lawyer and financial adviser that you can trust.

You might be wondering if you can get through the process without a lawyer, to save money and speed up the process. The ironic thing is that a lawyer could be the key to making sure you get a fair financial outcome, ultimately leaving you better off.

A good lawyer understands the importance of achieving a balanced and equitable settlement.

Feel free to take your time to find the right lawyer – you want to be able to build a trusting relationship with them. They can help you keep your long-term wellbeing in mind when negotiating.

It’s also a good idea to speak to a financial adviser to help you consider the long-term implications of your decisions.

Understand your finances and legal entitlements fully.

This will help you face challenges and make informed decisions about how to divide your assets up.

Your lawyer and financial adviser can help with this, but do your own research as well where you can.

Remember, knowledge is power.

Make sure to express your needs, concerns and priorities.

You may feel like you just want this to be over and done with, but it’s important to have your needs and concerns heard.

For example, have you taken years out of work to care for your children? Does your partner have a much larger KiwiSaver balance than you? Did you bring more assets into the relationship initially? These things should all be considered in the equation.

Expressing your needs, concerns and priorities leads to constructive negotiating which will help lead you to a fairer deal.

Don’t forget to take care of yourself.

Keep your support people around you – whānau, friends or a support group. They can help you stay unbiased, see the bigger picture and make sound choices.

If you can, take the time to go for a walk, meditate, or do something you enjoy. Being calm will put you in a much better position to see the situation clearly and not get too overwhelmed.

Keeping a level head and drawing on your support system will help you make better decisions.

Talk openly with your ex – try not to focus on past hurt.

Communication is essential to understanding each other’s values and needs fully.

Try to have open and honest discussions with your former partner. These can lead to mutually beneficial agreements and minimise any conflict or misunderstandings.

Don’t lose sight of what is most important to you now, and what will be in the future.

In the study mentioned above, “just wanting the process to be over” was the top reason driving decision-making during separation and was associated with a feeling of perceived unfairness.

If you’re focused on just getting it over and done with, you might end up brushing over how the separation will affect you in the future.

Rushing through the process might seem like the easy option now, but taking your time could make your life a lot easier in the long run.

Look towards your future and think about your retirement.

The research also revealed that nine in 10 did not consider retirement when dividing financial assets at all, despite 66% reporting that their retirement plans were negatively affected by separation.

Don’t let the short-term stress of the situation make you forget about your long-term vision for your life and your retirement. Take some time to plan for your financial life going forward and think about how you will fund a comfortable retirement for yourself.

Work constructively towards a fairer solution to benefit everyone, especially children.

Focus on achieving a fair outcome with hauora – comprehensive wellbeing for you, your former partner, and your whānau. Your kids might seem grown up, but this is still going to affect them deeply. Keep things as stable as you can and work with their other parent to be supportive.

Try your best to hold a strong vision for yourself and your whānau in your heart.

Make sure to ask for help.

Managing finances after a divorce or breakup can be hard, especially if you’re new to it. But advice is available – including free budgeting help.

Free help is also available for the wider aspects of dealing with separation. The Family Court provides up to six hours of free counselling for people who need to sort out separation issues. For more information visit the Ministry of Justice website.

The Citizens Advice Bureau is also a good source of information, help and advice.