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People have been begging me: Tell me what you saw! What was it that was so horrible that 46 senators were moved to sign a strongly worded letter calling it shameful and expressing “supreme disappointment” and “resolute disapproval” of such a “misguided code”? Was it someone in a tie failing to renew the child tax credit, nearly doubling the number of children who must live in poverty? Was it someone in a tie pumping his fist in solidarity with insurrectionists? Was it someone in natty business attire failing to release his grip on power well past the date when this was warranted? Was it … Ted Cruz, just being himself? What was the thing that so haunted you?
I will tell you: It was a senator on the floor in a sweatshirt! Do you not reel? Are you not aghast? I am several ghasts, myself!
What was he doing? What does it matter what he was doing? What matters is how he was doing it: in informal wear!
Do you not know that it is the how, not the what, that concerns us? Consider penguins! I never ask what they are up to because they are always so well dressed. But pigeons I consider inherently suspect, and I follow them closely at all times. Likewise with those charged with the making of laws. Shutdown, default — we are not concerned with this! Look at their clothes!
This is how Rome fell! They stopped wearing suits on the floor of the Senate and let people just come to work wrapped in bedsheets. After that, it was pretty clear that the writing was on the wall. This is also why the Athenian democracy never got off the ground: no suits. Everyone was always swanning around in their open-toed shoes and short shorts. (I know that is not the technical term, but I am too upset to look up what it is.) Diogenes didn’t even wear short shorts; he just walked around in a barrel. Well, I mean, is it any wonder that we are not living in ancient Greece now?
No, this cannot stand. We cannot just sit here and let public servants taunt us with their visible shins on the floor of Congress! We must take action. I propose the following, which ought to supplant any other business we are currently contemplating! Let’s discuss this! This is a serious matter, and these are serious suggestions:
- Senators must wear full business attire at all times unless they are asleep or in the shower, and even then they are strongly encouraged to do so, in case Senate business arises.
- John Fetterman is not required to wear a suit, but his body double must.
- Anyone proposing legislation that will ease burdens on the American taxpayer must wear three (3) suits.
- Senators may be excused from wearing suits if they dress in a costume that honors the top produce of their state: Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (D- R.I.) could, for instance, dress as calamari; Tammy Baldwin (D-Wis.) could be concealed inside an enormous cheese. The senator’s face should not be visible in this outfit and other senators will have to identify him or her using the clues provided by the costume and by any legislation the senator proposes, Masked Singer-style.
- Strict originalists who resist any limitations on the Second Amendment must wear the formal attire that matches the date of the most recent line of U. S. law that they admit as canon.
- Senators proposing legislation that will increase the number of children who live in poverty must do so wearing monocles and a top hat like Mr. Monopoly.
- A senator not wearing a full suit may be wrapped in a flag, provided the flag covers their sensual, taunting ankles.
Exceptions to Dress Code:
- Shirts are not required for members of peaceful tour groups who are patiently and politely interrupting Senate business to make certain that the candidate of their choice becomes the next president, but they must sport formal horns and face paint.
- If it is Infrastructure Week you can wear a trucker hat.
Obviously all this also goes for staffers! Dignity of work!
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