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November 16, 2023 at 12:54 p.m. EST
Fine — I was embarrassed about not drinking in college. But I’m not anymore, and you shouldn’t be, either.
Sobriety in the post-grad years is more common than you might think, and the NoLo (no- and low-alcohol) movement seems only to be growing. For various reasons — including wider knowledge of alcohol-related health risks — members of Gen Z appear to drink less than previous generations. One report, from Berenberg Research, found they drink 20 percent less per capita than millennials, who drink less than their Gen X and baby-boomer counterparts.
After college, people tend to drink less (and binge-drink less!) as social lives become less centered on dorm parties and Greek life.
“In college, there’s a feeling of acceptability around binge drinking, which has dipped post [college],” a 24-year-old recent graduate, who preferred I omit his name, told me. He’s a management consultant in Chicago who says he drinks less now than he did in college.
But despite changing attitudes around drinking — because of both the post-grad transition and broader mind-set shifts around the world — many recent grads still find it difficult to voice a new desire not to drink, especially if they’ve never had to before.
“Sometimes, I’m like, ‘Oh, I’ll just have a water,’ ” another 24-year-old recent graduate told me, describing the pressure to drink at work events. But her peers give her a hard time, she continued, “So, half the time … I’ll just have a vodka soda for the sake of not having to go through the whole ‘this is why I’m not drinking’ [explanation].”
She’s a cybersecurity consultant in Chicago, and like most of the recent graduates I interviewed for this article — sober or not — she has requested that we not use her name. I think that’s telling. For everyone’s sake, it’s time to lose the taboo and stigma around post-grad drinking and sobriety.
Like many teetotaling recent grads, I used to come up with colorful excuses as to why I didn’t want to partake in drinking, but now I realize it’s perfectly fine to be honest and firm.
Last year, I took my little brother to a tailgate, and when I was asked repeatedly by friends and former professors why I wasn’t drinking, I first laughed and said I was “trying to set a good example” for the 11-year-old in tow. Met with eyerolls and more questions, I gave a new excuse: I couldn’t, because I had to drive home soon. But eventually, I just told the truth: I just didn’t want to drink. And that should be enough.
Through trial and error, I’ve learned being able to say no successfully — simply, and without fear of being judged — depends in large part on the people you’re with.
The 24-year-old cybersecurity consultant mentioned above has been trying to limit drinking alcohol for her health, but being surrounded by mostly drinkers at work and in her friend group makes that difficult.
“All my friends drank in college — like, I was a drinker,” she said. “So, naturally, the people I hang out with are also drinkers. And so, naturally, I’m surrounded by people now who drink.” She explained that in the consulting industry, drinking at company dinners or with clients is standard and awkward to avoid. “It’s hard being like, ‘You’re my boss. I’m not going to drink a drink that you’ve given to me,’ ” she said.
On the flip side, two nondrinkers I interviewed — 22-year-old Hassaan Khan and a 22-year-old business student from the University of Michigan who also asked me to omit her name — tell me they have found success in achieving their sobriety goals by surrounding themselves with communities of people who don’t drink, or for whom drinking isn’t a necessary social activity.
Whether you choose to drink or not, making sure others know you won’t judge them for their choices is important.
The pressure can go both ways, depending on your surroundings. Nam Nguyen, a recent graduate from Ohio State University who says he prefers to drink in moderation, feels that there can often be a “self-righteousness” about abstaining from alcohol. The 24-year old management consultant mentioned above, tells me he has observed more judgment and negative reactions when he shares that he still enjoys occasionally going out drinking and dancing post-college.
Most recent graduates I interviewed agreed that pressure to drink or not drink is situational, rather than overt or mean-spirited. The 22-year-old business student mentioned above told me she used to drink — sometimes to excess — around others, despite regularly feeling sick afterward. She said, “When I was with a [drinking] group, I was shy about saying I don’t want to drink … I was scared of being judged by them. So it’s really interesting that the other side feels the same way. I think we’re all scared of being judged.”
In some instances, you can’t control the people you’re around, but “if people are giving you a hard time for it, my feeling is that those aren’t the right people for you” another recent grad, a software engineer in Colorado, told me.
She said she has become really good at sticking up for herself as a nondrinker, and that not drinking for most of college made the transition easier for her. She makes sure she’s drinking something: water, a Coke — “you can say it’s a rum and Coke, if you want,” she reminded me. She also gives a brief, no-nonsense explanation, such as saying she gets sick drinking at altitude, to avoid unnecessary goading on by others.
Over the course of our Third Spaces Project, I’ve often been asked whether bars are considered “third spaces.” My answer to that is, well, yes. But the Third Spaces Project is centered on finding spaces that can be fun, open and inclusive, even if alcohol isn’t really your thing. It isn’t mine, so finding more alcohol-free community spaces for talking, dancing and enjoying life is a focus for me.
Lately, I’ve been inspired to be more open about my sobriety by tons of recent graduates and college students who were much bolder about talking about their decisions than I’ve been in the past. Olivia Van Renterghem, whom I interviewed for our column on love and friendship, recently said to me, “Sometimes it feels like the only place to meet people in your 20s is a bar, which isn’t my scene.”
Her honest admission of not enjoying bars very much emboldened me to say — here in The Post, for all to see — that I don’t really like them, either!
Ibrahim Rashid, a reader who wrote to me to share how his own Third Spaces Project is going, said he enjoys looking for new places, such as rock-climbing gyms, to take “casual friends,” instead of grabbing drinks, since he abstains from alcohol for religious reasons. Madelyn Dubree, a 23-year-old bartender, let me know she has been sober for about a year and a half. Dubree says the pressure to drink especially shows up when dating, where “Hey, let’s grab a drink!” is a pickup line that doesn’t interest her.
In the case of sobriety, feeling part of a community of other recent grads seeking to limit or moderate their alcohol intake is important. To all the 20-something teetotalers out there: I hope knowing you’re not alone makes you feel more confident in refusing the next time your co-worker, the cute stranger across the bar or your best friend offers to buy you a drink.
I want to hear from you! Respond to this week’s question, and I might include your reply in the Tuesday edition of my newsletter, which is available only via email. (It’s free!) This week, I want to know: Are you sober? Why or why not? Fill out our form to tell us.
Know someone else navigating post-college life? Share this column with them!
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