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The hustler government of the Republic of Kenya presents its compliments to the First Year Class of 2023 and has the honour to refer to the statement made by the Education Cabinet Secretary, Ezekiel Machogu, concerning the state of panic for those who attempted to upload their poverty papers onto the HELB website and were told to wait until the second coming of Jesus.
When we opened the portal for the KCSE 2022 class to apply for the new university funding model, never in our wildest dreams did we expect children of hustlers to express interest in studying at the university in large numbers as to jam the site and cause our technicians to spend the whole month in traffic since they’re barred from driving on the wrong side of the road to get to work early and clear the discomforting queues of stranded students at Anniversary Towers.
We’re inclined to think this way, because we had thought hustlers voted for us based on the promise to empower Mama Mboga with hustler fund and Boda Boda with electric bikes, and not to enable them access university opportunities as they were not interested in adopting the same snobbish mannerisms they had accused of children of dynasty who did not believe in God and treat hustlers with hubris and contempt.
We had no idea that hustlers would also desire a soft life for themselves having fully embraced, without whining, the fate of poverty that God had blessed them.
When we told you that the hustler government has already on-boarded all government services on the eCitizen platform for ease of doing business with hustlers, many of you dismissed our efforts with a sneer, alleging that they will not amount to anything meaningful.
We thank all those students who made the Great Trek from the seven corners of the country to see for themselves this massive transformation that we have rolled out to online applications for student services at the HELB headquarters.
We wish to remind all those who are yet to visit us with their forms to kindly stay home until we finish up with the pilgrims currently clogging our halls in wonderment at the newest cutting-edge technology we have deployed to make their application more stressful.
Don’t call us, we will call you.
We have made this drastic policy decision to keep crowds from milling around the scene of crime along University Way, after receiving numerous reports from concerned parents – most of whom have never been to Nairobi – that these students have refused to return home after getting mesmerised by the city lights, and wishing to stay longer to partake of its wild fruits as they rejoice in the goodness of the Lord.
We wish to reiterate to all hustlers that this government came into office on a campaign promise to restore Kenya to the body of Christ. Therefore, any university student found walking on the streets of Nairobi in a manner likely to suggest they have succumbed to temptations by the devil, will be rounded up by the moral police and forced to enroll for a degree in Religious Studies.
In addition to parents getting a heart attack on the fate of their children roaming around the streets of Nairobi, we have also received complaints from the tenants at Anniversary Towers claiming that the sudden surge in human traffic has lowered the state of hospitality in the building to that of a concrete slum.
They also claim to have had to develop survival tactics; like hugging their laptop bags tightly across their vulnerable bosom, and making the sign of the cross each time they arrive at the office without the domestic body odour confusing their expensive cologne on their way up the lift.
Had the HELB application been seamlessly conducted online, mental health practitioners would not have found a job to conduct debriefing sessions for those suffering trauma from phobia of crowds.
We’ve also been made aware that since the Hustler Fund started giving hustlers money to organise for their homecoming to celebrate the new government they voted for, many of you have been having loose change to invest in domestic tourism discovering hidden attraction sites that children of dynasty had for centuries kept to themselves. However, borrowing the Hustler Fund to facilitate your travel to the HELB Headquarters was never among the business ideas we had imagined the Fund could be utilised for.
In this government of honest men and prayerful women, where you can record your blue videos on TikTok at ungodly hours to say bad things to the president and his government, all you needed to do was to stay home and broadcast your concerns for the president to watch and use it to berate the line Cabinet Secretary in his next public appearance with members of his cabinet. There is urgent need to take advantage of the current window before the TikTok CEO cleans up the app, and leaves only those who sing in the praise and worship choir and speak in tongues at official gatherings.
Greetings to all the First Year Class of 2023 already making arrangements to report to their various universities and colleges this coming week. You’re the first lot under the Bottom-Up Economic Transformation Agenda (BeTA) that we shall be using as guinea pigs to determine the applicability of this new university funding model.
We also, finally, wish to welcome onboard our hardworking Mama Mboga and Boda Boda hustlers to the real university where we have embarked on a journey to sell knowledge at the price of uranium juice. If you still wish to continue with your ambition to pursue a university degree, press one. If you feel the new university fees is enough to setup a permanent business and save you the jobless years you’d have suffered after graduation, call God.
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