IN FOCUS: ‘Be a man’, do the right thing? Not so simple, say some in Singapore

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Full-time National Serviceman Jasper Tan was told just that when he enlisted. He described being surrounded by fellow soldiers who believe that men have to be strong and not show weakness. This led him to dwell on whether to act tough and not display an emotional side, given that he wanted to be accepted and not bullied.

When some show vulnerability, remarks like “Why are you soft?” or “Why you so gay?” are commonplace, the 21-year-old said.

“I don’t support their comments, but sometimes when I correct them, it’ll be seen as a way of offending their manliness,” Tan added. 

As an overweight kid in an all-boys school, Kristian Marc James Paul knows a thing or two about bullying. 

He went on to develop deep insecurities about his body; and as a teenager, believed that the ideal man was a well-built, athletic model or bodybuilder – not unlike the fitness influencers exploding onto YouTube and Instagram at the time.
 
“(Those) insecurities came from me feeling like there was a big disjunct between who I was versus who I thought attractive men looked like,” said Paul, now 29.

He began thinking more critically about masculinity when he was formally diagnosed with body dysmorphia in 2015.

“What does it mean to be a man? What does it mean to embody ideal masculine characteristics?” 

“MEN ARE LOVED SOLELY FOR THEIR ABILITY TO PROVIDE”

Johnathan Chua, co-founder of creative agency GRVTY Media and the youngest brother to two sisters, recalls being a crybaby as a child.

“I remember trying very hard to outgrow that … trying to be the tough guy so they no longer called me san jie (third sister in Mandarin),” he said.

The 33-year-old also hosts a podcast called The Daily Ketchup, where gender roles and norms are sometimes discussed in relation to current affairs. 

To him, men can show vulnerability at times but “cannot give in (and) be too weak”; they also have to be strong to take up roles in society that women cannot.

This view doesn’t extend to household responsibilities, with Chua deeming it “really unfair” that his mother had to do the chores and care for the extended family while his dad just sat around watching TV – even though they both worked full time. 

But being a provider is key to his notions of masculinity. Paraphrasing a line from one of comedian Chris Rock’s skits, Chua said in seriousness: “Only women and children are loved unconditionally. Men are loved solely for their ability to provide.”

He gave the example of a scenario where his business goes bust, and how his wife would have confidence in him recovering his career.

“If I don’t, then I do believe I will be abandoned, and I can see why,” said Chua. “I would think she deserves better if I don’t bounce back.”

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